I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just want nice things and good sex
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
