When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
