how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
