ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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