i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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