I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
