I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize