Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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