I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
