Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
