The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
