I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
