I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
