i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
