dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
