i barfeds in our rink
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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