Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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