so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
