I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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