When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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