I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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