he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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