Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
