she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
