The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
