Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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