Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
