Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
