Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
