her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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