If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
