my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
