Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
