Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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