guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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