How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
