Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
