the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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