I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
