normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
