She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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