My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
