my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
