I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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