I'm eating all of the evidence.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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