I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
