you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize