he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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