My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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