Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
