just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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