So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
we should paint friendship bongs
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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