I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
