In America we eat man semen.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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