I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sarcasm needs its own font
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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