My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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