does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
