Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He passed out mid-signature
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
