So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
