When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
